lol CsR
by Zallah
Summary: Major dialogues between Brutus and Cassius rendered into lolcat. Sheer crack.
1. Act I, scene ii

A joint project between Creare and me; Creare rendered Brutus' lines and I Cassius'.

Disclaimer: Some guy named Brandishpike apparently wrote some really nifty play full of iambic pentameter. This, as you may surmise, is not that, nor are we said genius playwright (who, I am just informed, was really named Shakespeare . . . oh well, something about waving some weapon around). Additionally, the turnips and the bukkit almost belong to history.

* * *

**ACT I, scene ii**

CASSIUS: o hai. is u go 2 c teh runnin?

BRUTUS: no

CASSIUS: but i wantz u 2

BRUTUS: no srsly DO NOT WANT! i no liekz teh gamez ok? We cant all hav teh SPeeD spirtz laik Antony. Umm . . . kthxbai

CASSIUS: Brutus i has seed u recntli. ur eyz iz not niec leik tehy usd 2 b an u no luvz me anymoar. u has 2 wtf? adn 2 mean hadn ovr ur frind taht luvz u

BRUTUS: Cassius, b not Dceevd. teh troublz uv mai eyes R only 4 me: teh passions, their in mai head, vexin it with sum diffrences, makin me 4get giv owt deh cheezburgurz 2 mai frends - but no worriez, i savin sum 4 u in mai house. onli wiv all teh fighten in mai head i b 4gettin 2 bring tehm, sry.

CASSIUS: i c. mai bad. but wit al teh confushin i iz burid thinkz werthy uv many cheezbrgurs. no, srsly. say Brutus kan u c ur hed?

BRUTUS: noes, only teh uthr kitteh in teh mirror showz me whut mah hed B like

CASSIUS: iz gud. an is vry sad dat u haz no mirRs 2 c ur rael u. I hearz manee gud kittehs in Rome but not CsR tak of Brutus an DO WANT Brutus has tehy eiz

BRUTUS: wait . . . u no frendz w/ Basement Cat rite?

CASSIUS: no wai. u b hearin an i b shoin u taht u iz teh awsumz. an b niec 2 me k? i iz not alwaiz liekn teh evry1s. if u noes taht i purrz at kittehs an tehn claws0rz tehy or if u noes dat i eated als teh cookiz, thne thnik i teh mean

[invizible crowd]

BRUTUS: shhh! [pause 4 inaudible shouts] . . . o noes. i fear teh sheep-katz choos CsR 4 Kng (liek sheep-dog-not cool 4 teh kittehs :( )

CASSIUS: o rly? u DO NOT WANT?

BRUTUS: no do not want even tho we r liek bffl. but u keeps me heer wai? u want cheesburgur? (i told u alrdy srsly, u can has). plus i luvs teh honurs an stuff so u b settin teh honurs in 1 eye an teh waters in tother an i be lookin on em both indifrently.

CASSIUS: i noes u iz kool liek taht but i not noes wut u thinkz uf lief. 4 i iz DO NOT WANT 2 b liek w0wz0rz at sum1 liek me. u adn i r frie leik CsR, we haz eated cheezburgrz liek CsR an we iz fury liek he so we iz not get codl. 1 tiem it wuz widny an CsR sed i drez u 2 git all wetz an i siad he muzt 2 soz we dd. it waz wet an CsR waz al O NOES!1 IZ WET!11!1 an i geted CsR otu ov teh wetz an CsR is nau liek Cieling Cat an Cassius leik Basement Cat an DO NOT WANT1! iz no gud taht so :P kitteh haz all teh cookez

[invizible crowd]

BRUTUS: o noes i hears moar inaudibl noise. teh sheep-catz b heapin moar cheezeburgurz on CsR.

CASSIUS: duhz. CsR iz liek supR big kitteh an we iz lukin 4 dzhonribul littrboxes. kittehs sumtiemz pwn tehyz faetz an iz becuz uv tehm not teh lytes in hte skai if tehy iz FAIL. Brutus an CsR r gud namse an tehy sonud prity. hwo meny cookys an cheeseburgrz haz CsR eated 2 bcum supR big kitteh? u an i haz hearded us's dadyz sai taht 1 tiem teher waz a Brutus hu DO NOT WANT Basement Cat in teh Rome liek him DO NOT WANT kign

BRUTUS: dood. u luv me an thaz gud but srsly 4 nao STFU. i be in mai hous, contmplatin ur wurdz an u can has mai wurds latr an giv me sum moar 2, k? an btw Brutus had rthr B in ur village, cookin ur turnips than in ur Senate warin ur togas under these condishuns. jus sayin.

CASSIUS: i iz happpy 2 maek Brutus b so muc fier wit mai werdz

BRUTUS: k, so i can go home nao. an 2morow if u want wurds (+cheezburgrz), im in ur doorway hopin uz b home. or ur in mai dorway, k? kthxbai

CASSIUS: i bz in ur dorwai. 4 nao tihnkz uv teh wurld!1

[eksit BRUTUS]

i c u iz gud but not 2 gud 2 b sedoozd. CsR iz b stealin mai bukkit an givin it 2 Brutus. if i iz Brutus nao an he iz Cassius, he iz not b thnikin m teh awzumz.


	2. Act IV, scenes ii and iii

Disclaimer: Once upon a time, this was all the work of an absolutely amazing playwright named Wavepartisan. Actually, once upon a time, it was a few lines of Greek by Plutarch, and possibly even actual history, but since Wavepartisan . . . oh, _Shakespeare_, I beg your pardon . . . anyway, since he didn't bother with that disclaimer, I don't really see that we need to either.

Once again, Creare has translated Brutus' lines and I Cassius'.

* * *

**ACT !V, scene ii-iii**

CASSIUS: pissd Cassius iz pissed. at Brutus.

BRUTUS: Cassius STFU

CASSIUS: pissd Cassius iz pissed Bcuz u haz putted teh Cone o Shame on Lucius teh P fer takin the cookees frum teh kittehs adn ignoerd mai werdz 2 halp him

BRUTUS: Dude, bad kitteh in Cone o Shame is bad, adn u R bad 2 halp him.

CASSIUS: iz not gud nao 2 B uber worryd abuot evry cookei adn cheezburgr

BRUTUS: u urself are knowd 2 hav itchen pawz 4 teh cookeez adn cheezburgurz

CASSIUS: i haf itchin pawz? u noes u iz Brutus taht seyz thiz or else u iz b clawz0rd!

BRUTUS: b/c ur name honurz ur corupted pawz, teh chastizmnt iz hiden under teh bed.

CASSIUS: WTF?

BRUTUS: REMEMBER MARCH! TEH IDES UV MARCH REMEMBER! Were in ur senate, pwning ur CsR WHY? 4 JUSTICEZZZ! Adn nao weer contaminatin our pawz wid teh bribez 4 slEEzy cheezbrgr? Brutus had rthr B on teh leesh, peein on teh treez than such a kitteh.

CASSIUS: NO put Cassius on teh leesh, iz no lieky. u iz 4gettin urslef. Cassius iz the PWNr kitteh 4 moar tiem adn noez moar stuffz

BRUTUS: U R not.

CASSIUS: am 2!

BRUTUS: R NOT!

CASSIUS: u iz goin 2 far. i B 4getin maiself if u not b thinkin ov ur shiny furz. STFU!

BRUTUS: o stfU, u puny kitteh!

CASSIUS: wtF!

BRUTUS: PISSED BRUTUS IS PISSED!1! Alwayz im maekin room 4 u in teh windows; shud i b scared by ur poofie furz?

CASSIUS: OMG!1 i haz 2 deel w/ all uv tihs?

BRUTUS: All uv this + MOAR! Fret til ur arched back break! Go tell ur humanz how pissd u r, poo in thier shooes adn maek dem trip ovr u. I haz 2 moov! I haz 2 clim teh treez adn hide undr teh porch when u hiss? By teh godz, u be digestin teh venom uv ur furz till ur furballz choke u, b/c nao I no help u 2 clean them up, only watch u like celin cat an laff.

CASSIUS: OH NOES!11 iz it kome 2 thsi?

BRUTUS: u sayz u R teh ++PWNr kitteh: proov ur braggins adn iz gud, cuz noble Brutis is alwaiz glad 2 heer uv noble kittehs.

CASSIUS: Brutus iz alwyaz makin Cassius pissd!1 i sed 4 moar tiem not moar PWN! Cassius NOT sayd moar PWN!

BRUTUS: dispassionate kitteh . . . carez not.

CASSIUS: CsR kitteh wuz nevR RAWR enuff 2 maek me hiss liek tihs!

BRUTUS: pishhhhhhhhhzzzxz!11 [deathstair] u nevr hadz nuff RAwr 2 pull teh pritty furz uv HIM.

CASSIUS: I haz no rAWRz?

BRUTUS: no.

CASSIUS: ? no RaWRZ 2 pull CsRs :P prety furz?

BRUTUS: 4 ur LIEF, u hadz not.

CASSIUS: Cassius iz not luvin Brutus enuf 2 lissen 2 this. Cassius iz mayB doin sumthign un4tunat.

BRUTUS: Cassiuz HAZ dun somthng un4unat! Ur wurds R laik declawd kitteh, b/c mah furz be protectd w/ shinie armors uv SOOPER!HONESTEE (+ wind rezistince). one tiem i sed 2 U ""I Can haz cheezburgurz?' but u not be givin them 2 me, evn when I maked :( at u, and I starvd w/out teh cheezburgurs, b/c honurble kitteh is 2 huoneribl 2 taek teh filtheh NOMz frum teh garbidgcan kittez. Adn so mai leeguns, they be starvin w/out teh cheezburgrs, b/c u eated them. Iz Cassius te sort uv kitteh 2 B hoggin all teh cheezburgurs frum hiz fredns? When u heer Brutus eat teh cookie that he maeded u, let teh celin catz be redee w/ all their RAwrZ, adn fall on him, adn clAwzORz all hiz furz in2 PIECEZ!

CASSIUS: i haz not eeted ur cookie

BRUTUS: did 2.

CASSIUS: did not. he wuz :P who maked taht picshur. Brutus haz clawZ0rd Cassiuzs haert frend kitteh shud b freindlie, but Brutuz iz not

BRUTUS: Frend Kitteh cat iz friendlie, until u tuch hiz cookie.

CASSIUS: u no luvz me :(

BRUTUS: i do not liek ur FAILz.

CASSIUS: friednly kittehs nevR seee teh FAILs :'(

BRUTUS: teh kitteez dat lickz ur furs wud not, tho teh pikshurs B all ovr teh internets.

CASSIUS: COME BASMENT!ANTONI ADN LITTUL!baSEMNT!OCTAVIUS!11! Come 2 CLawZ0r Cassiuz bcuz Cassius DO NOT WANT teh liefs anymoar!11!1!1 Cassius iz haated bi teh 1 he luvz adn is bittn by hiz litterrmaet adn haz all hiz FAILz posted on teh internetz 4 all teh wurld 2 see. cassiuz culd cri hiz spirrt frum hiz eys. :'.( . . . u haz teh clawz adn heer is cassiusz hart taht iz moar deer thna all teh chzburgerz in all teh Mcdonnaldz in all the wurld . . . so if Brutus iz Roman kitteh, cazziuz is lyin on hiz back 4 Brutus to claz0r him. tho cassiuz is not given Brutus teh chzburgrz, cazzius iz gven hiz heatr . . . SCRACTH!1! liek u did CsR! b/c i noes u iz luvn CsR moar (evn wenn u hated him moast) tahn u haz evR lovd cassiuz.

BRUTUS: ummm . . . ded!Cassiuz doNotwant . . . kthx? [faecpalm]. Once moar LongsufFringBrutuz conceedz 2 teh mightee melodramaz uv susiDul!CASsiuz. . . eat all teh cheezburgurz u want, ur dishonurz R onlie :P. Srsly tho, u R leashed 2 ADHDsheep who carriez ur !ANGURS! onlie 4 teh amount of time dat cheezburgr in room full uv hungrie kittehz stayz on teh plate, adn then dropz them.

CASSIUS: haz cassiuz livd 2 b onlee :P 2 Brutus when cassius iz sad or pissd?

BRUTUS: when i sed that, i wuz pissd 2.

CASSIUS: ORLY? giv me ur paw.

BRUTUS: adn mai haert too.

CASSIUS: o Brutuz

BRUTUS: yez?

CASSIUS: haz u teh luv 2 share teh sunnee spot wit me wehn i iz actin liek teh bsemnt cat?

BRUTUS: [sihg] yez, adn when u R ++! w/ ur Brutuz, he jus think te Basmnt Cat B nommin ur soul, adn leav u soz. Giv me teh bowl uv milk! In it al mai unkindnessez R drownd.

CASSIUS: mai haert iz thurzty 4 thsoe gud werdz. fill teh bwol until it spillz on teh flooor. Cassius iz b drinkign lotz uv Brutusz luv.


	3. Act V, scene i

Disclaimer: Fool you once: shame on me. Fool you twice: shame on you. Fool you three times: do I get to claim this is absolutely 100% the genius of Creare and me, nobody else involved in anyway whatsoever? If yes, read on and praise our awesomeness; if no, see one of the previous disclaimers.

As always, Creare has rendered Brutus' lines and I Cassius'.

* * *

Act V, scene i

CASSIUS: Nao, ++nobil Brutus, teh celing catz b on our sied purrign 4 us soz we can live 2 b old adn hav an ambigoous relashunship ;) . . . but bcuz teh mortul kittehs do not no wut will happen, we shud hav a plan 2. if we r gettin pwnd, Brutus iz doin what?

BRUTUS: U remembr when mai wierd unkle kitteh clazord hiself 2 deth I was liek DO NOT WANT and then I maded sum filosofie adn eated it? Iz moar brave adn hourble 2 nom filosofiez w/Xtra preservativs adn B pwnd by Sum High PWNers (even if they poop on ur hed) than 2 clawzor ur own stomac 2 iscape them :P .

CASSIUS: soz if we getz pwnd, iz ok if u r draggd on a leesh thru Rome?

BRUTUS: O NOES DO NOT WANT!1!11 U no think Brutis evr B putted on teh leash adn draggd thru Rome: his furz R 2 shiny. But 2day weer goin 2 hav 2 eithr go in or owt uv teh door we opnd on teh ides uv march, adn maybe weer not 2B seen each uther again :( . So we shud say gudbie nao, just in case. 4evr&4evr fairwell, Cassiuz. If we meet agin, weel share teh sunnee spot adn eat cheezburgurs tgther; if not, whai then, is gud we hav said gud gudbai nao.

CASSIUS: 4evr&4evr faerwel, Brutus. if we b meteing agin, tehn we will defnitlee share teh suny spot adn the chezebrgurs; if not, u r rite taht iz gud 2 sai gudby nao.

BRUTUS: o that a kitteh mite know who will be nommin teh cookiez Bfore he maekz them! But, is enuf that the cookiez be nommd, adn then teh nommer be knowed.


End file.
